I have a milestone birthday coming up, every year I have not wished for much of anything because deep down inside I thought it was selfish and not very humble. This year I am going to wish, for once in my life, I am going to put it in writing and loads of pics. It's okay if I don't see more than the pictures come of it, I just feel that it's about time I actually verbalize and visualize some of my wants and needs.
Without the guilt.
It must be a single mother thing, a mother thing, a parent thing, a people pleaser thing, a woman thing?
I don't know for sure but in all the years of parenting, helping people who came in need, wanting to do for others, my wants and needs became relegated to the back seat on a ride to nowhere land.
I know it is our Christian duty to help others in need, to not place stumbling blocks before the blind, to give to those in greater need. I do this and like to surround myself with others of like mind because community and giving back to it is something I value and feel shows good moral character. It was also a strong example set by Jesus that I took to heart as a little girl and never let go of.
As much as it is better to give than it is to receive, we need to be responsible for giving love to ourselves as much as giving it to others.
I had once been told by someone that learning to guard your love is just as important as learning to share it.
For, it is the unfortunate way of many to take, take, take, and take, thus leaving you with nothing.
Do the takers care that they have drained you of every resource imaginable? No, they are usually angry, annoyed, disrespectful, and quick to move on to the next, when you have nothing left to give. You will also find, all too often, that they will be much less generous and quick to forget the kindness done for them; in favour of moving toward novelty, self promotion, self- interest, and personal gain. Do not expect people to return a kindness when you are in need, it is all too often a rarity. And what happens when you decide to put your foot down and say, enough is enough? Giving in need is one thing but when the takers come repeatedly with the expectation of receiving, a righteous indignation when they don't get, and total disregard for the giver; well, that has become something else.
It's actually ABUSE. It is a form of abuse, often seen in the elderly as well as younger aged adults, nut that is a post for another day. You will notice though that when you say, "No more!" the abusers won't like it one bit because you have changed in a way that no longer benefits them.
Now, I am not saying to stop being generous, to not give of your time, self, talents, or love. Quite the contrary, I am saying that when you do, remember to set limits and be firm.
Will it be easy? Not so much at first but you will eventually lose the weight of the guilt and gain respect along with a new found sense of peace. Why peace? Because it is exhausting to have a constant internal battle raging when you are a person who gives without knowing when to say stop or no. You are giving generously but are doing more than is right for you in the grand scheme of things.
Boundaries are a healthy and acceptable way of life and when we don't set them for our children they become unruly, bratty, and insufferable. The same can be said for adults, and for those of us who are giving, people pleasing, and always there to lend a helping hand. There needs to be a point where we say stop, no more, I am good with what has been given. Your turn or anothers' but no longer mine.
Do you berate the stop sign on the street or the traffic lights for saying stop, slow down, now go? Stopping is just as important as starting, practice setting limits by politely and firmly saying things like:
-"That sounds rough, sorry for your struggle, best of luck with that. "
-" Sounds interesting but it's not for me."
-"Oh, no thanks. I got it last time but I am sure there are others who can help."
-"There are places that specialize in helping with that, I know that you can find it online. "
Still not comfortable? Try repeating the gist of the request, take a moment to think about it, excuse yourself to use the restroom, use that time to really see if you want any part of what you're being asked, it's ok to say no, and if they say it's not then they were never asking in the first place. They were dictating and no one would tolerate being treated that way, so why should you? Say, No thanks and remember to walk away. Don't stand there leaving an open door to further discuss it. You're done and walking away States that clearly and with class. You don't have to be rude just clear and firm but fair.
And if you're still not sure then just say,
-" I can't give an answer, I have to check my schedule."
-" We have so much going on, I couldn't possibly respond right now."
-"I have to discuss this with my husband or wife, sorry but I can't give you an answer today. "
I am working on this too, my poppa bear reminds me of it all the time. It's good for me and I feel blessed that the people in my life who really care are respecting my need to say no sometimes.
Here are my birthday wishes along with a cool panda cake I came across that I am seriously thinking of making for myself. Gluten-free of course.
The puppy is a schnoodle, a mix between a poodle and a schnauzer, no allergy cuteness! I also really need new Kicks. I always love books and this Japanese book on getting clutter out is awesome sauce with a cape! I would also love a plane ticket to see my beloved Poppa Bear. PS. Flowers...yeah, flowers.
Did I mention that I need new Kicks? Workout gear would be great as well, some skirts for work and a new tattoo is something I have been thinking about for quite some time.Mostly, I would love a picnic with lights, good food, friends, family and loads of love. Macarons and kicks wouldn't hurt either. Did I mention I need kicks? Teehee...
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