The Center of my Life

It's a beautiful Sunday morning, I am prepping to make gluten-free apple crepes and go workout. I will post that recipe at a later date but the yumminess is hard to wait for, seeing as the batter needs a long rest to thicken up-oh poop. (I thought we would have them this morning, nuh-uh!)
Sunday is Church day for Poppa Bear and Mama Bear, if you have read previous posts then you know what I am talking about. The past few days though, I seem to be focused on something I came across in a devotional post. It was a question really,
Are you following Jesus or are you following idols?
To which of course I immediately responded, "No sir, I am following Jesus." I felt good about that answer until I continued reading more.
Basically, it stated that whatever your focus is on, wherever you are expending energy, continually asking for or about, that can also be your idol.
I was a bit annoyed when I first read it but I continued to ponder this over the last few days and I came to the conclusion that I have been a bit of a naughty bunny in this department. I went over the things that I have been paying attention to, distracted by, stressing about, and lo and behold, I realized it was not Jesus.
Whaaaaat? Say it ain't so Kiki.
Yes, sadly, it is true and very humbling to say the least. Which, if memory serves me correctly, I do believe part of one of my meal time giving thanks prayers included asking to be humbled whenever it was needed. Thanks Abba, and Amen. Simple right?
Well, it turns out my heavenly Father has been noticing that I have not been focused on him and gave me a gentle but solid reminder. I got it! I actually got it and it didn't take my stubborn hard head 6 months. Okay, I digress.
So, who's hand have I really been holding?
The hand of impatience, petulance, tantrums, bargainer, anger, sadness, illness, injury, fear, stress, belligerence (Poppa Bear will attest to this one-I am so sorry for what I said when I was tired and hangry), and worst of all, or as I like to say, most embarrassingly, the money monster. Eek!
No!!!!! Y-E-S!!!!!
Why? Because, this past year has been filled with trials and tribulations on so many fronts and in the last 2 months money, or the lack of it has been a constant. Not only in my life but in the lives of my loved one's and it's so difficult knowing that you are constrained and unable to offer a hand as you are no better off.
It's also been overwhelmingly difficult because the distance between PB & MB means that the comfort of something as simple as a hug is felt through technology. Not always good when your body needs physical connections to raise those oxytocin levels.
It's been heart breaking for both of us some days and coupled with cancelled times together due to very valid and unforeseeable events, health and financial issues, it all takes a toll. Ironically, these are the exact times when we are supposed to lean on Jesus more but not Kiki. Nope, I introvert and push away because I need time to process, to rage by myself because I don't want others to witness my bad behavior, and go a little wild trying to find solutions. Guess what?
I sometimes forget that God already has it all on lock and that I am supposed to be saying, "I know you got this, so I am going to let go and let God."
It seems so easy to say but in this world of, be in control, get it done, independence, striving, pushing, ignoring health in favour of money/career/success, having drive, stop whining and get moving, be responsible, comparisons, achievement barometers, best of the best, creme de la creme, etc. It becomes too easy to get side tracked and guess what, those become the center of your hours, your days, your weeks, months, worship. Idols.
We are all guilty of this in one way, shape, or form. The important part is recognizing, letting pride go, asking for the help and guidance you need, and then finally re-affirming your relationship with your Father. The nice part is that He has been waiting for you to come back and is ever so patient, merciful, and loving. The prodigal son/daughter returns with a celebrated place in God's heart and what a heart warming comfort such knowledge is.
This also means getting back to readings, connecting with your community by contributing and not consuming, praying, and setting aside alone time with God. It's o.k. to stumble and fall, just recognize it for what it is.
Part of this journey that we are all on, and though the spirit be willing, the flesh is weak. But fear not, for we have such a wonderful, kind, and true friend in Jesus.
Have a wonderful Sunday and God bless you.